Day 18 - Mummy got another cuddle!

JETT

It's been a big few days for our lil Jett Plane, and it showed today.. Mummy had a cuddle, but he didn't handle it too well. I was reclined back and he wasn't liking it, with his oxygen dropping down to as low as 69% :(... The nurses wanted to put him in his cot, but when they sat me up, he came good again. Between a change of position, his oxygen pumped up & some suction of his lung secretions he was ok for a bit, but then it started again. His cot got changed and in it he went. He became more settled then I left for quiet time..

When I arrived back, he was positioned on his tummy. He had both arms by his sides and he didn't like it.. His Sats were dropping and he was wriggling a lot. He looked uncomfortable and his saturations suggested that too. I repositioned his arm, but it was still uncomfortable for him, so the nurse and I did his cares and put him on his back where he seemed pretty comfortable. He has been ok since, but still desating (which means oxygen drops) quite a bit :( His blood gases are only done 12th hourly now, and his last gas showed his carbon dioxide was high at 66, when it should be around 35 - 45, so they turned his breath rate up to 35 on his ventilation..

I hope he was just having a shitty day and he is better tomorrow. He still opened his eyes for Nanny and Poppy and also my friend Jasmine who came to visit.

When I left tonight, after reading him his bedtime story, he was asleep and settled.

MUMMY

*Sigh* Where do I start? I am feeling sad today. It was really heartbreaking seeing him desat so much when I was holding him :(.. He belongs with me, but is too fragile to handle it. That's really hard :(.. Now he opens his eyes and is so aware, it makes it really hard to leave him at night.. I absolutely HATE the thought of him waking up and I'm not there :(.. Truth is, I can't be there 24hrs a day. I want to be, but, I need to rest, write my blog (otherwise I will forget what the days events are) and eat.. I am seeing a counsellor on Wednesday. I have no idea where to start. The trauma of my birth? The trauma of having a premmie? The feelings of helplessness and failure? The feeling of loneliness being up here, living away from my home, partner and pets? Fuck, we only have an hour!

Feeling crap tonight. I wish things were different. I know there's no point even saying it, nothing is going to change anything, and I am so grateful to have Jett alive, doing reasonably well, but I can't help thinking what I have missed out on.. The whole 3rd trimester of pregnancy, my maternity shots but mostly, just being a normal mother. Birthing my baby and taking him home. I know it's just time. I know he'll come home and I can mother him all I want, but this is just so fucking hard right now. He's going through so much, all because my body failed.. Again. It already failed Taite and Seth. I couldn't be at a memorial service today to honour Taite and Seth, because I was here. I should have been 28wks pregnant with Jett safely tucked up inside..

I am so happy my baby is alive, but I just wish I was still pregnant. :( Just had to get all that out. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for both Mama and li Jett.?? I hope so..